Hello internet world. It’s been a while. I haven’t written a blog post in well over two years.  I feel like life has beaten me down a bit.  Or maybe more than a bit. And I feel like I’m past the shock of it all and kind of just barely starting to notice where things are broken and sore.  I have had the thought many times that I should start writing again.  And then I remember that there are thousands of people who write.  And thousands of people who are more qualified, or more intelligent, or more witty or more everything.  More anything.  And I talk myself out of it, and I realize that my self-worth is one of the places I’m broken.

And it’s weird to think about, because confidence was never something I lacked.  Before.  I grew up knowing I could do anything, and being certain I’d be good at it.  And I usually was.

And then I got married.  And that marriage failed.

And then I got married again.  And that marriage failed.

And then I watched cancer steal the life from my mom.

And I found myself in a darkness I had never known.

But I made it out mostly in one piece, with three beautiful children holding my hands and lifting my spirits and reminding me that there were reasons to keep finding the good.  That they were the reasons to keep finding the good.

And I found a wonderful man, and we’ve added a beautiful little boy to our family, and I’m happy.  Truly, deep down in my bones happy.

And that happiness is shining a light on some of my darkness, and allowing me to see more clearly the jagged edges and missing pieces.  I am thankful for the view, though it can be ugly and terrifying.  Because really looking at our darkness is how we find our way to the light.

And man am I ready for some light.

 

 

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One thought on “My Jagged Edges

  1. Nikki you truly do have a gift with words! I love that you are sharing yourself with us again. Watching you grow up and loving you through it all makes me feel blessed to know You! Keep writing. Keep doing all the things you do. And most of all keep loving yourself cause you are amazing and wonderful and good. I love you sweetheart!

    Posted on January 16, 2018 at 7:02 am