So today would have been my 5 year wedding anniversary.

It would have been, if I hadn’t decided that divorce was my best option.  If my life hadn’t been turned upside down.  If everything was going according to plan.  Divorce was never in my plan.

So weird.

And so sad.

I was sitting at lunch and over the speakers a song started playing. It happened to be the song Ex and I danced our first dance to at our wedding.

The Universe has exquisite timing.

I sat and listened to the song, and pondered the irony of hearing it on what would have been our anniversary.  And it made me feel a little weird, and sort of agitated and just…bleh. You know that feeling? yeah…

I went out to my car, put my head on the steering wheel, and cried.  And then cried some more.  Apparently having dreams, and hopes, and love, and commitment, and refining, and creating life, and memories, and experiences with someone is pretty hard to get over.

Maybe “get over” isn’t the right way to say it.

Maybe “accept your current reality” is a better way to say it.

Maybe “understand that everyone has choices, and that certain decisions have put you in this place” is a better way to say it.

Maybe “life sucks sometimes, and I just want to throw a tantrum about how unfair it is” is the best way to say it.

So I went home and I felt sorry for myself, and I felt like a failure for a minute, and I felt hopeless and alone for a minute. And then I took a deep breath. And I put my Nikki Is Strong hat back on. And I’m ok.

So today is a little bit weird. And I’m a little bit sad. And I’m a little bit heartbroken.

And I’m a little bit closer to not being heartbroken anymore.

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20 thoughts on “Remember That One Time I Got Divorced?

  1. Someday, there will be a new anniversary date and a new song. And both of those will make you cry tears of joy.

    Posted on May 8, 2009 at 3:33 pm
  2. Sooo not only am I crying because of your post, but also because of Rookie’s post. Geezzzzz.

    I love you. It’s ok to feel sad today. But you’re right – this means you’re just a little bit closer to not being so heartbroken anymore… 🙂

    I love you.

    Posted on May 8, 2009 at 5:11 pm
  3. wow…didn’t realize I wrote ‘I love you’ twice. That actually makes it a little awkward when combined with the ‘anonymous’ status…

    haha – my bad 🙂

    I do love you, though.

    hahahaha

    Posted on May 8, 2009 at 5:12 pm
  4. Rookie Cookie,
    Thank you. Really.

    Calee,
    Why were you commenting anonymously in the first place, you dork? haha. I know you love me. I love you, too. I’m so glad we’re sisters.

    Posted on May 8, 2009 at 5:50 pm
  5. Tears are healing Nik. I’m glad you have such a perceptive guy to lean on. Hey, free counseling too:)

    Posted on May 8, 2009 at 7:12 pm
  6. I love you Nikki! Reading your blog posts makes me wish we were friends (not that we’re not, but you know what I mean). You are amazing and courageous and I respect you so much. Push forward with love and faith! You are in my thoughts today.

    Posted on May 8, 2009 at 7:58 pm
  7. I don’t normally comment on your blog, but I love to read it. Today’s post was one of your best. I cried for you. You are stronger than most.

    I also like Boy Wonder way more after how he handled your conversation. Sounds like a great guy 🙂

    Posted on May 8, 2009 at 8:12 pm
  8. BoyWonder hit the nail on the head…he should be a shrink too! It is normal for you to be sad and if you weren’t the least bit sad I would wonder about you. Just think, there will be a next time and then all your dreams will come true. Hang in there and I am glad that you were able to get this off your chest…several times.

    Posted on May 8, 2009 at 9:12 pm
  9. April 23rd. Every April 23rd, I cry. For 19 years on April 23rd, I’ve cried. And it makes me MAD. Next year on April 23rd it will be different! (or it won’t)

    Posted on May 8, 2009 at 11:50 pm
  10. Great post. I feel your pain and sadness. I see your strength and beauty.
    Strength and beauty win:)
    You win.
    You may not win every battle, but you will win the war.
    Your time is coming.
    I love you!

    Posted on May 9, 2009 at 12:57 am
  11. I forgot to mention that I meant everything I said in the voice mail I left for you yesterday. I’m so glad you are my daughter. You are a gift to me.

    Posted on May 9, 2009 at 12:58 am
  12. I love reading your posts..because you sounds so much like me. Except you put it into better words (: I am sure that I will have those same feelings this August what used to be our anniversary rolls around. I feel that way when holidays come around…like the one this weekend. I mean it was a year ago this Mother’s Day that my ex-husband told me he had an affair…and things fell apart from there. But, we keep moving on moment by moment. Just know that you aren’t alone.

    Posted on May 9, 2009 at 4:28 am
  13. I love you honey.

    I cried reading your post, and Mom thinks that was a breakthrough. I’ll let her think this is the first time. 🙂

    Dad

    Posted on May 9, 2009 at 6:42 am
  14. I love the title of Brooke’s blog. It seems appropriate here… You cry and validate your feelings and what they mean (mourn for a minute). Take a big deep breathe to recenter yourself. Then give yourself permission to smile and be grateful that you did hard things and know that they were the right things to do in your situation. Maybe I’m being silky or Captain Obvious here, but that was my thought.

    How do you ever move on without that process? I know that I can’t seem to.

    Posted on May 9, 2009 at 9:32 am
  15. You are an amazing woman. Every time I read a blog of yours I feel empowered to live, to love, and to be my true self. I don’t know how to explain it except for that you have a knack for connecting with me (as a reader and a friend). Write a book. Pleeeease!! It would be and injustice to mankind if you didn’t :]

    Posted on May 10, 2009 at 1:59 am
  16. I don’t check your Have Joy blog enough, but I did tonight, and I shed tears reading this. And it takes a lot for me to cry. Wish we crossed paths more, from a distance you seem like an amazing girl. Not to mention, you look like you have way too much fun! Just thought I should write it, because I still can’t get the lump out of my throat. You are thought dearly of. Remember, you don’t always have to put on your happy face to go out :)!

    Posted on May 13, 2009 at 4:28 am
  17. I read somewhere once that when a spouse dies we are allowed to grieve but when there is a divorce we are expected to just get over it!! When my husband told me over the phone that we were definitely over (after trying to reconcile 3 times) I fell to my knees and thought I would be sick. I cried so hard that I actually ended up with 2 new wrinkles!! I begged Heavenly Father for his help and he did provide it. I felt like he wrapped me in his arms and helped me get through it. In order to have Joy we have to have Sadness…..

    Posted on June 26, 2009 at 4:06 am
  18. Ran across your blog. Keep being strong, and know you are loved. You are quite the catch, soundly impressive, and I miss hearing you and Ang singing in the back of the jeep on the way to BYU SLC center for class..

    -Paco from Cheer

    Posted on August 16, 2009 at 3:51 am
  19. Oh thank you for this, this is just what I had need to hear. I am currently contemplating Divorce and I need to cut that last heartstring but when you said
    “understand that everyone has choices, and that certain decisions have put you in this place” is a better way to say it.
    Just felt right to me 🙂 I love your picutures you post on instagram, it keeps me uplifted daily.

    Posted on April 13, 2016 at 4:43 am
    1. Clare! I am so appreciative of this comment! I have been neglecting my blog lately, and am just now seeing this sweet comment. I wish you peace with the heavy decisions you are making. Sending love. -Nikki

      Posted on May 11, 2016 at 12:03 pm